I Tried to Sage My Uber and Now My Rating Is 3.6
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Here’s the thing: you don’t realize how many vibes live in the backseat of an Uber until you sit down and feel the full energetic weight of every awkward first date, failed job interview, and questionable Taco Bell run that ever took place there.
And as an empath? Yeah, no. I wasn’t about to risk soaking up stranger-juice energy without backup.
So I did what any normal crystal fanatic would do: I saged my Uber.
🎯 Exhibit A: The Setup
I slide into the backseat, clutching my tote bag like it’s an energetic bomb squad kit. Within seconds, I can feel it:
The heartbreak residue on the left cushion.
The chaotic drunk-girl energy lingering in the cup holder.
The ghost of someone’s 3 a.m. “you up?” text still floating near the headrest.
My aura screamed. My Black Tourmaline pulsed. I knew what I had to do.
🌀 Exhibit B: The Cleanse
Discreet wasn’t an option. I whipped out a mini sage spray, spritzed three times, and whispered, “Not today, icky vibes.”
Driver: [sniffing] “Uh, is that… cologne?”
Me: “No, Brad. It’s advanced metaphysical sanitation.”
Then I placed a Selenite wand across my lap like a seatbelt upgrade and tucked Amethyst in the cup holder. Just for balance.
✨ Exhibit C: The Fallout
The driver adjusted his mirror three times to see what I was doing.
My friends in the backseat lost it and started chanting “ Bless the seatbelts" ( they’ve seen things!).
I accidentally spritzed too much and choked us all out with “Lavender Mist”
My Uber rating? Immediately tanked to a 3.6.
Worth it. My aura felt lighter. The ride home felt calmer. And I swear the car itself sighed in relief.
💎 Exhibit D: The Crystal Carpool Kit
If you’re brave enough to vibe-proof your Uber, here’s your survival starter pack:
Black Tourmaline – For protection against hangover leftovers.
Selenite – To clear seatbelt energy from 1,000 stressed commuters.
Amethyst – For calm conversation with drivers who overshare.
Citrine – Because abundance energy includes not hitting surge pricing.
Bonus: Palo Santo spray. Use responsibly unless you want to explain smoke alarms.
🌙 Cosmic Conclusion
Sure, my rating dropped. But did my soul feel like it rode home in first class instead of a chaotic carpool from the underworld? Absolutely.
Sometimes you don’t just hail a ride — you hail a full-on energetic release on wheels.
🌀 Cleansing, commuting, and confusing my driver,
Kimbo xoxo
Ride-Share Ranter & Amateur Energy Regulator
“Where natural energy meets your highest intentions — and sometimes, your ride-share adventures.”